Do you talk to yourself? I do (shocker). I mutter away to myself, replaying conversations I’ve had, role-playing conversations I should have had and tell myself out loud and often that I am an idiot (I’m clumsy – I drop things/burn myself/walk into things/trip over things. I also have a tendency to say things that pop into my brain without thinking them through first. Hence, I’m regularly, a self-proclaimed idiot). My children are often asking me “who are you talking to?”
I even talk to myself using my own name. “Aw, ffs Jennifer, what is wrong with you?” (as I had a wee snackcident 10 minutes ago). And it occured to me (as I explained to myself “I know, I know, but *shrugs shoulders* I’m a snack bitch”) that, perhaps, this is something that not everyone does. But I hope they do.
I’ve chatted to myself my whole life. I remember distinctly doing it as a child, sorting out 5 year old problems with a wee chat in my bedroom, head cocked to the side, nodding, waving air traffic controllers hands (still got them) at the clear, invisible image of myself I sat face-to-face with, while I sucked on my bottom lip (which would later require a wee surgical procedure as a result of all the pondering). I always clearly trusted my own judgement. And I don’t remember calling myself an idiot as a child.
At some point, you become self-conscious that talking to yourself isn’t something you’re really supposed to do. Well, not in public anyway. So we develop our inner voice instead and we internally question and wrestle with things in a much more acceptable manner than having a wee public chat with yourself in The Top Shop mirror about your thighs or what kind of bra you need with that top (strapless probably).
But we don’t just use our inner voice to solve underwear problems. It talks to us in a way our external voice doesn’t (well…mine does). It is brutal. I’ve thought a lot about this recently (my inner voice has had an awful lot to say) and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not just a voice. It’s voices.
But where did they all come from? And why are there so many of them inside my average-sized head?
You know that expression “the voice of experience”? Well I think (a theory based on zero science, just adding this disclaimer here) that the various voices are just that: they are what’s left behind from the people we have experienced. The bigger the impact, the louder their voice in your head.
But it’s your head, so surely you control the inner voice? No. Have you ever seen ‘Wheel of Fortune’? I imagine all the voices in my head are on a big colourful carnival wheel and, when I appear to be living my life somehow, my brain, with it’s wee clever pink fingers, gives it a spin. Cue great excitement and suspense to see what voice it will land on, what voice has something to offer…and…fuck… it’s that ex who told you repeatedly that you embarrassed him in public and you should only speak when spoken to…
Not all the inner voices are negative but, in my experience, they are definitely the loudest. Those wee whispers of doubt, the quiet voice of an insensitive dance teacher who tells you your place is to stay at the back behind all the other (so petite and pretty) ballerinas, or the faint droll of a (female) Fitness Academy Ambassador who declared, in a meeting room full of people, that your BMI calculation can’t be right “because obviously you know you’re carrying a lot of fat on your hips and backside…”, which somehow drowns out the loud voices of reasoning as you’re exposed in tight-fitting lycra in a gym class telling you “it’s ok, you belong here.” Whisper, whisper, whisper…
But it’s not only the voice of teacher, who declared you were so useless that you couldn’t be taught and that you weren’t worthy of his time (and made you sit at the back of the class, refusing to acknowedge your existence for the remainder of the year) you hear. There are, of course, the most wonderfully positive voices of experience on the wheel and sometimes, you win the jackpot, the voice that commands silence from all the others. Sometimes, it’ll be so loud, the voices encouraging the self-doubt, telling you to give up, reminding you that you’ve never been very good at anything, that you’re average at best stop to listen too as, amid the noise, your mum’s patience settles the rabble and you are reminded of learning how to use a sewing machine and hand stitch clothing; how to “knit one, purl one”; of making rafia mats in the back of a car as a pre-schooler and proudly unsettling the local librarian as a 5 year old with a Great White Shark Obsession who demanded “more shark books please”. Her reassuring voice reminds you how you overcame teenage heartbreak, friendship fall-outs, anorexia and car crashes (literal and metaphorical). “You can do this Jennifer. Just take your time, think it through logically and remember why you’re doing it” (my nana nodding loudly in agreement, while setting up the chess board she taught me to use aged 4).
But we struggle to control where the wheel stops. And my wheel of (mis)fortune has been spinning out of control over the last few months.
So I think that, when we have a wee chat with ourselves, unashamedly and out loud, it prevents the spinning; stops the inner voices hissing doubt as the wheel click click clicks to a stop. There’s an old saying: ” talking to yourself is the first sign of madness”. I disagree. I think that talking to yourself is a healthy part of a thought process. When you are having a conversation with someone else, one where you are invested and engaged, your mind is focussed and there is little time for wheel spinning, for the voices, for the whispers of insecurity. What’s different about talking to yourself? Sometimes I need to hear things out loud for it to make sense to me, away from all the other stuff banging around in my head. Talking out loud creates silence.
So have a conversation with yourself in Top Shop about bras (and purchase a nude strapless one), shrug your shoulders in the supermarket and roll your eyes at your indecisiveness about dinner. When you’re running and the wee voice creeps in telling you to stop, that you can’t go on, shout ” I AM FUCKING FORREST GUMP!” Tell yourself loudly every single day that you are worthy. Remind yourself of all the things you have achieved up until this point (“Jennifer, you could beat adults at gin rummy when you were 5, you can absolutely beat this bad day. You’ve got this” ). Celebrate loudly the wonderful people who have been a positive experience in your life – talk to them, even if they are no longer here, as they really are life’s jackpot. But don’t let the bad experiences you’ve had play a part in your future decisions. Don’t listen to the voices. Don’t gamble with the wheel.